8:22 PM

Day 4: Realizing I can LIVE Self-Honesty


What I like about my Mother is her ability to absolutely never take any bullshit from anyone, she can communicate with anyone and tell them something about them that their not being honest about, while everyone else will just put on smiles and create these lies that I self-created to be one and equal to in my mind.
I often wished to have that confidence with being self-honest with myself in every given moment to anyone, as I have the tendency to keep conversation to a minimum, so, I apparently don't look like an idiot, wherein in fact I'm in actuality self-aware of my own bullshit. With applying this principle of “Bringing everything back to myself” - I realize that my want/need/desire to be self-honest is something I'm already walking, slowly but surely and I don't need to become anxious through fear of looking like an idiot, because then I'm merely becoming one and equal to self-image.
What requires self-change within me is to see/realize/understand that in order to take no bullshit within my world/reality I must become self-honest with myself and humble myself through this process of expanding myself. In order to do this, I must self-realize that anxiety is what I'm separating myself from, wherein I'm becoming anxious of “looking stupid,” within self-image issues of not self-trusting myself through self-expression in the moment.
 I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my want/need/desire to be like my Mother's honesty of telling others when their bullshitting themselves we in fact myself becoming “attracted” to a part/aspect of someone else that I haven't equalized in my daily-living.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason why I liked/was attracted to self-honesty within picking at someone else's dishonesties was me not actually looking at myself in essence, for what I have equalized myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to gift myself with self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from the ability to through living self-honesty by only liking it/becoming attracted towards it within another, instead of me realizing that I'm equally capable of living actual self-honesty for assisting and supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from living self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate aspects/parts of myself into and as others, and in that accepting and allowing myself to limit myself that I'm not 'capable of,' self-honesty, but only liking/becoming attracted towards honesty within another, instead of myself actually seeing/realizing/understanding am I aspiring to be and become honesty or actual self-honesty that will stand, The Test of Time?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to take over in moments where I could've expressed myself within self-honesty, instead I allowed myself to worry about “looking stupid,” by/through self-image of what others may think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept myself as being anxious when I'm not seeing/realizing/understanding that I'm equally capable of being self-honest with myself with the opportunity and ability to change myself, and so enslaved myself to my own allowance as anxiety of self-image of “looking stupid,” and limiting myself to not assist/support myself to be and become self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious of “looking stupid” within self-image fears of worrying how people perceive me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to self-realize that I have the ability and capacity to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to aspire to be and become like my Mother through her self-honesty, and continue diminishing myself that I'm not capable of changing myself, instead of stopping the anxiety and assisting/supporting myself to be and become, LIVE self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIVE self-honesty by continually accepting and allowing anxiety, believing/deceiving myself that I can only like/become attracted to a part/aspect of someone else, like my Mother, because I'm apparently stupid and inferior, thus, I cannot do anything.
 I realize, that the honesty that I aspire to be and become can actually become self-honesty through actually stopping my anxiety of “looking stupid,” based on self-image of how other people are going to perceive me.

I realize that I have to assist and support myself to stop the anxiety and actually LIVE self-honesty for the very first time in my life through not worrying how people perceive me.
I make an agreement with myself to:

When and as I see myself become anxious through anxiety of “looking stupid” for actually LIVING self-honesty – I stop within myself, take a deep breath in and out and make the decision to be and become self-honesty within stability and not allow the anxiety to overwhelm me. Within this simply expressing in the moment and self-asserting myself to actually live HERE, and if reactions come up when I see myself bullshitting myself I see/realize/understand that I'm able to simply breathe and forgive the point within myself and keep on walking.


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