8:50 PM

Day 5: Fear of not getting an A+

Fear of Not Getting an A+

Looking at the point of not getting an A+ is stemmed from myself, ‘failing failure,’ but this, ‘fear of failure,’ is something that I have allowed from myself to look at mainstream’s society of how someone must be and become someone that is apparently accepted in society as, ‘superior,’ or more, ‘worthy,’ of actually even living, wherein - I allow myself to want/need/desire to always become something, ‘more,’ while not actually looking at myself in self-honesty that the want/need/desire to be and become, ‘more,’ is a trap of polarity for myself to continuously always doing a task/deed, by/through not actually seeing/realizing or understanding that this is how humanity has become enslaved to always continuously always having to search for something, because apparently we’re not, ‘enough for ourselves,’ to actually live within ourselves internally-externally, to actually accept ourselves for what we have done in the past and to forgive, but NOT forget. Within forgetting we’re not actually looking at this world in self-honesty and to not repeat our mistakes, but to actually correct ourselves, to actually see that this world can change, if we actually change and not have any preaching or love and light ordeals, for not actually looking at what we have done to this world and ourselves, seeing it for what it really actually is.

Now, when I see myself looking at myself in self-hate because of not being, ‘good enough,’ from not getting an A+, I see/realize and understand that I’m absolutely not defined by/through looking at some letter and having certain energy projections towards it, and then thinking I’m not, ‘good enough,’ and tell myself, ‘I’m not intelligent.’ I mean, am I intelligent for reacting to some letter, because of defining myself and valuing myself through that value that I’m apparently, ‘not something’? Within the very words of using, ‘not something,’ I’m stating some form of self-diminishment and not looking at myself in self-honesty that I’m able to be and become the actuality of life, if I actually allow myself to self-realize that within NOT accepting any forms of myself one and equal to embrace, slowly but surely I can become a being that I actually values myself to value life, nothing more and nothing less - JUST Life.

Within looking at the letters A+, I’m allowing myself to not react and define myself as, ‘being a failure,’ because again creates the cycle of competition within myself to win or lose. And who I am even competing within myself? A letter? My professors? Am I trying to prove something to someone/something? Am I competing within others that I’m defining as, ‘intelligent’? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting an A+.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect not getting an A+ to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe fear not getting an A+ is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my fear of not getting an A+.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to self-realize that fear of not getting an A+ is self-created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear of not getting an A+.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself that fear of not getting an A+ is simply a preprogrammed reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the purpose of fear of not getting an A+ is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as life, one and equal.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fearing not getting an A+.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for allowing myself to experience the fear of not getting an A+.

I’m competing with myself. I’m competing within an idea that can never become the actuality of reality, I’m competing within ideas that I projected within myself towards a letter. So, I accept and embrace this in humbleness for myself reacting to a letter and then thinking I’m nothing if the letter isn’t what I want it to be an become, BUT I don’t accept myself to limit myself as becoming one and equal to a letter, and that’s ALL I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe I am “less than” a seemingly simply point of  internal-external conflict of wanting/needing/desiring, by/through not getting an A+: I am allowing conflict in my world of and as me; and so - in such acceptance and allowance , my world come a life of conflict, internally and externally as me due to valuing and defining myself towards mind-projections of an A+, and then thinking I’m not, ‘good enough,’ and tell myself, ‘I’m not intelligent.’In this - I’m directly responsible for conflict in not getting the grade that I prefer within my mind, because I’m actually creating manifested outflow consequence of actually facing my fears of not getting an A+.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a huge deal of not getting an A+ of such an insignificant moment of manifested consequences that I face to see/realize and understand that not getting an A+ doesn’t mean that I’m some, ‘failure,’ but simply a point to stand in Equality and self-acceptance of not getting an A+, of/for my own process; to stop the reactions of, ‘not being good enough,’ confront it directly as myself - but instead, accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and the letter grade I attain in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate myself and using myself and what I exist as to create delusional realities of having to “Fear not getting an A+” because if I don’t allow myself to think/believe that “I’m a failure” by/through defining and valuing what society thinks and believes is, ‘successful,’ and, ‘ worthy,’ without ever realizing that any delusional reality I’m self-creating for myself, was in fact only existent in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing myself here in every moment because of valuing and defining myself as, ’superior,’ or, ‘worthy,’ of actually living - wherein I allow myself to want/need/desire to always become something, ‘more,’ while not actually looking at myself in self-honesty that the want/need/desire to be and become, ‘more,’ is a trap of polarity for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by feeding/allowing this point of not getting an A+ within me I am making myself, ’superior,’ or, ‘worthy,’ of actually living when in-fact I am only feeding an idea based on polarity to always want/need/desire to win something or be and become something to and as the energy of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the energetic addictions  of not getting an A+, that rises up within me and seems to make me experience myself as, ’superior,’ or,’worthy’ of actually living is actually real and that I am, ‘intelligent,’ within that experience  instead of realizing that this experience of not getting an A+ that rises within me as an energy is compounded reaction of fear which I have suppressed within my life and is an attempt to not actually SEE myself within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate, ’superiority,’ and, ‘worthiness,’ within the experience of not getting an A+.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the fear of not getting an A+ and define as myself “Being a failure” and to take it personally and to lose myself within taking something outside myself as valid, wherein - I allow myself to not stand up and allow myself to self-abuse as well as allow myself to separate myself from the letter A+ and within this to fear standing up and allowing myself to take on the responsibility of changing me.

Here, I make a self-agreement within myself that when and as I see myself defining and valuing myself as not getting an A+, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here. I breathe through the experience of not getting an A+ and I direct it within myself firmly in the realization that no matter what letter grade I receive, is equal to and one with myself, in and as the delusional belief and acceptance of myself as separate to the grade I receive, I allow myself to accept and embrace the grade I receive in humbleness to see/realize and understand that I can change my grade if I actually want too.

I commit myself to accept and embrace the grade I receive at school in humbleness to actually REALize I can change my grade that I receive if I actually want too.

I commit myself to not be and become a slave to perfection 24/7 to make myself experience myself as, ’superior,’ or, ‘worthy.’

I commit myself to take responsibility for not getting an A+, but NOT beat myself up for creating expectations for myself that are are only an idea - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE to immediately look at the point of not getting an A+, and seeing/realizing and understanding what point I have I not become one and equal too, to make myself actually judge myself for not getting an A+.

When and as I see that I am participating in beating myself up for not getting an A+ - I stop, I breathe and I direct myself to self-realize that NOT getting something, unless its something that I don’t need to survive in the physical to function is actually bullshit, and actually is abusing/compromising, NOT actually seeing/realizing and understanding what done and become.

Word

A+

Within this word I have experienced complete fear and happiness, but this word is relatively charged with a positive energetic signature. This word is something that I have come to know throughout my school years and when I would see it on my paper I would feel like I’m actually worth something.

There is no actual dictionary term of this word.

From looking at the word A+ we can look at it from a very positive perspective, A - meaning the beginning and can refer to better and more elite, while + can tell us the word is generally charged with a positive signature towards society. Plus, meaning something, ‘more,’ always attaining to be something, ‘more.’

Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’)? Yes.
Creative Writing: A+
A+ is to living perfection slowly but surely in a humanistic form.
A+ is to learning from how we can better ourselves.
A+ is to learn from the beginning and to grow/develop and expand to become something that is already HERE.
Writing the Definition: A+ is to see what you can be to actually learn about taking what we have gathered and make it into something that we can actually grow/develop/expand from.




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