12:09 AM

Day 11: Math is EVIL and MALICIOUS!!!


Today I had a Math quiz out of nowhere and I panicked because it wasn’t discussed in my last class. I’ve focused already on sub-points of fearing not getting an A+, then working on points of fearing being late to class but never actually focused on fearing taking a Math quiz. 

Funny, how I state merely Math quiz and not an actual general quiz because of having some sort of affinity of fear to Math - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will just lose all the equations that I memorized and just blank out because of the pressure that I’m experiencing within myself to do well on the Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I’ll only be able to remember the Math equations when I’m in class working together as the class or by myself working on the home work because I don’t feel any obligation to do well on the home work because the teacher merely skims around the home work to see if we actually completed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I fail on my Math quiz - I must be a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the mere manifestation of failure by what mark my Teacher gives me on my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I forgot the Math equations - I must be a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the mere manifestation of failure by forgetting a freaking equation on a Math quiz - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need and desire for everything to go fine and dandy within the test, instead - not seeing/realizing and understanding that I’m actually not seeing this within myself to be at peace within myself to be “fine and dandy” so fear of being a failure doesn’t control myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually see for myself to want/need and desire for everything to go fine and dandy within myself because I’m not actually the self-directive principle of my world and reality - YET!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the questions my teacher might ask on my Math quiz for myself to have the answers regurgitated nicely to not actually understand what the equations actually are in essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I see an equation that I don’t actually understand on the very first question that I will become discouraged and just go through the tests in discouragement within half-assing the Math quiz altogether because of thinking and believing that if I don’t understand one question on the very first part of the test then that means that I never understood all the other questions and was just fucking with myself the entire time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself that I will be alright because all the mind-projections of wanting/needing/desiring for everything to go “fine and dandy” is what I actually desire to have within myself, therefore, I allow this desire to become a reality to actually remain within self-awareness - as I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I hand in my test to my Teacher that he will grade it to read it right in front of me, therefore, I allow myself to think and believe that my Teacher thinks I’m some sort of idiot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my Teacher will and/or already thinks I’m an idiot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people perceive me, therefore, I take it “Back to myself” to actually see how I perceive myself at the moment and actually SEE within self-honesty if I’m actually respecting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the Teacher will interrogate me for apparently not doing well on the Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive a Teacher as someone that is here on this planet to make your life a living hell and to act like they no everything in the world, instead - NOT seeing the Teacher as my equal and an actual person that is just like me and separating myself from my Teacher to allow ideas projected to never see my Teacher as an actual person but only an idea of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous about my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because of a quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be anxious and n fear because of a quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe being nervous and anxious is part of quizzes and equations is simply a part of life - WTF!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe NOT being nervous and anxious makes me irresponsible because if I don’t apparently react in fear of something 24/7 then that means I’m not getting it the time it deserves - LOL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that reacting in nervousness and anxiousness is an acceptable starting-point to get work done in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that reacting in nervousness and anxiousness when I’m about and/or during I’m taking a Math quiz is the only starting-point for myself to actually get shit done efficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that stress, anxiety and nervousness forces me to work hard on my Math quizzes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions and feelings such as stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety direct me instead of ME directing ME as the self-directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be literally CONtrolled by emotional reactions of stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety because of separating myself from stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety because of not SEEING that these reactions are equal and one to myself but evil and malicious because of what they make me be and become - lol - instead, of seeing/realizing and understanding I’m the one that self-created these reactions thus I’m actually the one that is evil and malicious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and act like the victim towards emotional reactions that I’ve self-created - one and equal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am one and equal to my mind as emotions such as stress, fear, nervousness, anxiety, - thus I can direct them as me - because I am one and equal to them.

I move myself towards kicking the fear in the ass within fearing my own to actually take responsibility when I’m being CONtrolled by fear because of NOT allowing myself to SEE that I am in control of my own life, therefore, I create it - one and equal.

Equal and One as Evil and Maliciousness - lol. 

I’m the Creator of myself, therefore, the emotions that I experience aren’t some evil and malicious fuck up because I’m the one that has created it, therefore, I accept in humbleness to not self-judge myself when I’m participating in emotional reactions towards fear of taking a Math quiz because I SEE that I am literally it. I’m my own answer.

2 comments:

Cameron Cope said...

Thanks for sharing Jessica - I work as a math tutor and there are a lot of students who share these fears - this will assist a lot of people - thanks for taking this point on and standing up within yourself for yourself and everyone else!

Jessica Smith said...

Cool Cameron! Math is definitely a very cool point for ourselves to actually see that we don't have to quiver within fear whenever we see an equation but actually understand the foundation of the equation to actual self-realization and not just regurgitating information.

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