9:26 PM

Day 7: A Prisoner as Freedom

With my Mother- there is blame/anger that I experience when she doesn't allow me to go anywhere in the afternoon because she's afraid that I'll get, 'hurt,' wherein I react through emotional reactions of blame/anger because of experiencing myself as, 'caged in.'

The Backchat that comes up in my mind when I ask my Mom to go somewhere during the afternoon when/as I want to go somewhere to experience myself as, 'free,' is:
"You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down"
"Why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Why don't you just mind your own business?"
Through/as applying the principle of "bringing this negative/bad experience/aspect" to myself, I have realized that when I'm reacting within blame/anger towards my Mother of experiencing myself as, 'caged in,' I'm in actuality not seeing/realizing/understanding that I worry equally where my Mom is when she isn't around and ask around the house for her when I don't see her presence. This primarily happens when I'm not actually getting a picture-presentation right in front of me to actually see/realize and understand that since I'm one and equal to my Mom, I mostly definitely don't need to separate myself from her by also reacting in worry when I don't see her around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my backchat blame my Mom for not experiencing myself as, 'free,' through her worrying about me, instead of realizing that I am equally reactive through worrying when I don't see her physical-presence around my world/reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind, become reactive through blame/anger of not being able to experience myself a certain way in relation to wanting/needing/desiring to, 'go somewhere,' in order to experience myself a certain way, instead not take self-responsibility for my own blame/anger as an self-reflection of what I'm allowing through not seeing/realizing/understanding that I'm equally reactive through, 'worry.'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inner conflict in my mind towards my Mom through accepting/allowing myself to blame my Mother in my backchat instead of communicating about myself and my Mother about being worried about something happening to each other and so coming to an actual solution that will stand instead of compounding more and more conflict within myself and those around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind-project blame towards my Mom within my mind as my backchat instead of self-introspecting my internal-conflict, and me taking self-responsibility, self-accountability for what I'm experiencing within myself – but instead took it out on my Mother.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to self-realize how I created unnecessary turmoil for my Mother and myself for reacting in blame through self-sabotaging my chance to actually become the self-directive principle of my world/reality, not establishing communication with myself and my Mom wherein there won't have to be suppression/possession by/through not having an effective relationship of communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within blame towards my Mother worrying about something happening to me and it affecting me not being able to experience myself a certain way, when in actuality I'm wanting/needing/desiring to experience energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat, "You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down" to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the backchat, "You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down" is in actuality me talking back to myself, but I accepted and allowed myself to reflect it back at my Mom and not actually looking at my words because of not wanting/needing/desiring to assist myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/abuse the backchat further "You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down" by/through participating in victimization/blame towards my Mom, instead of self-directing myself and seeing myself in another person's worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Why can't you just leave me alone?" to come up and exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with my Mother through backchat in blame, towards my Mom not allowing myself to go somewhere in the afternoon because of her worrying about me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself the backchat "Why can't you just leave me alone?" equally applies to myself suppressing/possessing myself within worry, and so I was equally talking to myself in my own backchat, but because of suppressing/possessing myself into worry I allowed myself to self-sabotage my relationship with myself and my Mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Why don't you just mind your own business?" to come up and exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with my Mother through my backchat in blame, instead of me investigating reactions within myself and find out why I'm experiencing myself the way I am, not self-realizing my own context of worry that I'm responsible for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the Backchat of "Why don't you just mind your own business in blame towards my Mother, instead of investigating the Backchat in realizing that the nature of blame is in fact me blaming someone for the exact thing that I am doing / have done but have not taken responsibility for.
I realize that both myself and my Mother- equally worry about each other in very similar ways, wherein I'm not actually allowing myself to see/realize/understand how I can see myself into my Mom as myself.
I realize that I didn't recognize this point existing within me - even though I become equally reactive through worrying about not seeing my Mother's picture-presentation around me to experience myself as, 'safe,' and, 'comfortable.'
I realize, that - within myself reacting to my Mom worrying about me through mind-projecting blame/anger toward her because not being able to experience myself as, 'free,' is actually playing the polarity game, wherein I'm experiencing myself as, 'enslaved,' or, 'stuck,' actually is not taking self-responsbibility in anyway, whatsoever, but justifying my own enslavement further through reacting, wherein I'm ranting about and trying to experience myself as, 'free.'
How I am assisting and supporting myself to stop the fear, is to: Firstly take self-responsibility when I'm seeing myself react through blame/anger when my Mom tells me that I cannot go anywhere during the afternoon because she's afraid something will happen to me, not accepting/allowing myself to react, but see/realize/understand my Mother's positioning through the Mother Matrix System.
Secondly: Discuss this point with my Mother about having a curfew when I'm allowed to go out or not go out, wherein I'm not allowing myself to become driven by blame/anger, but discuss points openly and rationally for ourselves to see the points clearly.
When and as I go into anger within myself towards my Mother, I immediate stop and breathe and I investigate and I investigate where this blame is coming up into myself not taking self-responsibility for me/my world within the very aspect/part I'm blaming for. Within this I stop the backchat of blame within myself towards my Mother and actually take self-responsibility for my world/reality for the very first time in this ONE life-time.

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