6:39 PM

Day 16 - Why Would You Want to be an Actor?


Fear of Being in Theater Class



When I was 13, I decided that I wanted to pursue acting because I enclosed myself to myself. The first time I realized I wanted to become an actor was during summer-time and I had to pick the classes I wanted for High-School. I swore to myself that I was going to reinvent myself to not be and become a mute to face my anxiety head on. Little did I know, that I was already inventing myself to and become an actor of complete and entire separation for myself, of myself. The common-sense is that being and become an actor, within the starting-point of trying to reinvent myself into something that is more acceptable in society is not life. Let's face it - a person who is constantly trying to not face themselves to be and become a personality to gain acceptance from society is focusing on anyway to prove their self-interest than on being a responsible being that will change themselves, within a clear starting-point of Oneness and Equality. But if I were to allow myself to face the anxiety of others and just see that everyone around IS me, taking deep breaths and seeing myself into others their would be no fear because everything IS here.

Because of the abuse I allow as myself, I drove myself into creating complete abuse of creating separation of myself, which later formed to gaining a complete, 'energy rush,' when I'm performing because I've allowed myself to create multiple-personalities to ensure I don't face myself, within facing the actuality of the anxiety. One day, I was watching a video of myself performing, as I was seeing myself as this picture-presentation I lost sight of myself, to merely judge my physical appearance and give myself the value and definition of being, 'over-weight.' Everything of myself was never good enough to appreciate myself as myself. So, Theater became my own personal brand of heroine to design myself, in so many ways for myself to not face this ONE point of anxiety of people.

In spite of the past, time came where I decided to face this fear, head on, and would allow myself to take a Theater Course, again. So, today, I had to perform a monologue with my Partner, called, "The Art of Dining," there was a lot of frustration that came up for myself because I couldn't understand the actuality of the message. Within this, I allowed myself to access this point of anxiety to be and become possessed of how other people perceive myself. Obviously, I cannot express myself if I don't allow myself to get to know myself in self-intimacy and self-trust, understanding, and accepting myself first. In looking at the point of anxiety of others, I value others perceptions of me, more than valuing myself to support life, NOT, allowing myself to grow, to develop, to expand. And allowing myself to forgive the past because the past is NOT what's real.

The following backchat comes up: "Do they think I'm acting believable"? "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"?

So, what I'm doing is going into a vicious cycle of being a people-pleaser, and within this point I can see that was the primary reason I wanted to do Theater, within the point of getting some form of confirmation from others, within pleasing others because of enclosing myself to such an extent that I don't even see myself at all. Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent. Taking it back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself but look for these multiple personalities to be and become because I believe and deceive myself that this is the only way I can express myself within there NOT being any anxiety because I haven't allowed myself to see that I don't actually know myself at all, in seeing that I can never see myself within the point of knowing in relation to knowledge/information because I'm not accepting myself in any shape/form of understanding myself, in all ways possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the anxiety I'm experiencing to such an extent, that I allow myself to justify the extent of anxiety that I'm facing to separate myself from myself to self-create multiple personalities that will make me feel, 'warm,' and, 'fuzzy,' to within this have the desire to reinvent myself because of being ashamed of how society sees me, because I won't allow myself to see myself in self-honesty, I direct myself to create the space to grow, to expand, to develop.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself in ONE moment, breath by breath, in self-awareness and let go of these concerns of how other people are seeing me performing and just let my expression flow, within the consideration of life - NOT others consideration of myself performing as a filter.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration that always trying to gain confirmation/validation from others within myself performing in front of an audience is desiring to please others is actually a vicious cycle that could go on forever, instead of focusing on building the accumulation point of self-intimacy and self-trust ; Within this I see and realize being a people-pleaser or always wanting everyone's validation/confirmation is a totally pointless exercise in the end that can harm my personal development as growing, developing and expanding as a responsible being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I'm inferior and give myself consent to be and become inferiority and within this not allowing myself to grow inner-confidence - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up for my so-called flaws into down - to - earth realizations of self-correction and see that there is a difference between being critical and being honest; learning to watch myself within reactions of the mind into self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to continuously and consistently feed the anxiety within myself when I'm performing in front of an audience, because I'm too busy worrying about the worst situations that could happen, instead of learning to laugh at myself within self-expression when it happens and afterward, showing myself that I can learn to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration if I'm not sharing myself within self-expression to those that I perform with, and within this I'm not allowing myself to receive as I give by giving myself the gift of life as self-appreciation to love and accept myself as I am, as ALL as ONE as EQUAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be and become an actor to be acceptable within society to compare myself to others to give their image-portrayal way too much power and reduce my own self-worth based on a mirage, instead I value the person I am as Life to embrace all of myself to be and become someone that is worthy of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be and actor within the starting-point of copying others' actions because it seems like a the better route to fit in, but really was being dishonest within myself to try and be self-honest of assuming other people's perspective of myself.

Backchat Self-Forgiveness: "Do they think I'm acting believable"? "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"?

"Do they think I'm acting believable"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? to exist within and as me towards my class mates to make me feel, 'believable.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? trigger worry/anxiety towards my class mates to make me feel, 'believable'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my class mates are the only source to make me, 'believable,' so I don't have to see/realize or understand that I'm abdicating self-responsibility by participating in worry/anxiety towards my class mates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? to the interconnections of emotional reactions of worry/anxiety, by not experiencing myself as,' believable'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? to exist within and as me towards my class mates making me feel, 'believable,' or 'non-believable.'

I forgive myself that I didn't accept or allow myself to remind myself when I'm performing to see that there is a difference in-between being, 'believable,' or 'honest,' within myself to use acting as an expression of myself, but instead allowed myself to immediately  react within the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally react through worry/anxiety towards my class mates NOT making me feel, 'believable,' but instead make assumptions through the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT face myself about the worry/anxiety that I'm experiencing, for getting to the the actual cause and creating a solution, but instead allowed myself to immediately react with the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"?

"Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? to exist within and as me towards others outside myself seeing me perform.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? to direct me, instead of actually self-realizing for myself that it wouldn't even matter if everyone thought I was, 'skinny,' because I still wouldn't satisfied with my appearance if I don't allow myself to accept myself, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself that through the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor" I'm actually not seeing/realizing or understanding that I'm self-sabotaging myself within myself in the hopes of, 'finding acceptance,' outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that when wanting acceptance of others within my physical appearance to be and become an actor is wanting acceptance from myself to embrace all parts of myself, unconditionally, to actually allow myself to see myself everywhere and within that I'm seeing everyone around me as myself, embracing ourselves as life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself that participating in the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? is a flag-point for myself to actually see/realize and understand that when I'm allowing myself to participate in acceptance from others, I'm actually NOT allowing myself to connect with myself to accept myself, in ALL ways.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself that participating in the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? towards myself and those around me because I actually don't want to stand up and find a solution within seeing those around me, BUT looking for faults in my physical appearance that I apparently can't change or accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-victimization/self-defeat of myself embracing my physical appearance to try and feel, 'accepted,' when I cannot NOT allow myself to connect with myself and accept myself for what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others around me seeing me perform from the starting-point of transference of energy, rather than actually cross-referencing points of polarity of, 'skinniness', and 'fattiness,' and making a stable self-agreement as myself that will stand the test of time, for what is best for ALL.

"Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat, "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand the backchat, "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? is in actuality talking back to myself, but I accepted and allowed myself myself to reflect it back outside myself to, 'being good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot,' and not actually look at my words because of not wanting/needing/desiring to assist myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/abuse the backchat further, "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? by/through participating in self-worth towards fearing how people see me within presentations, stead of self-directing myself and seeing myself in another's perceptions of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with myself through low-self worth, instead of me investigating reactions within myself and find out why I'm experiencing myself the way I am, not self-realizing my own worth of myself that I'm seeing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the backchat of "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? equally applies to myself suppressing/possessing myself within, not purifying the words, 'clever,' or, 'good,' and so I was equally talking to myself in my own backchat, but instead because of suppressing/possessing myself into low self-worth I allowed myself to self-sabotage my own self-agreement within myself and those that are around me when I'm performing.

I commit myself to slow down for myself to see that if I'm here, breath by breath, in self-awareness, I can learn to realize for myself and accept myself first, NOT dwelling upon what I've become in the past but consider what makes up the essence of, 'who I am.' Life.

I commit myself to STOP defining myself by my anxiety of people that I've developed the desire to be and become an actor to escape the separation that I've allowed, therefore, I don't allow myself to spend the rest of my life trying to still be an idea of what is acceptable in society, I will assist/support myself to allow space to grow, to develop, to expand and allow myself to forgive past errors and past behaviors that don't stand for life.

I commit myself to stopping all points of myself that of only consideration of my own self-interest, therefore, I allow myself to let go concerns of how others perceive me and just let my expression flow as I get to realize myself, more and more, taking into the consideration the massive time-loop that pleasing others implies to being a people-pleaser or always wanting everyone's confirmation/validation that is of pointlessness to harm my own personal development to develop, to expand and to grow.

I commit myself to stopping the shame and insecurity about any point/part/aspect of myself that are of self-interest, wherein - NOT realizing how to come to terms with myself and what I accepted into a down - to - earth realization of actual physical correction and not beat myself up and see there if a difference in between being critical and being self-honest.

8:32 PM

Words as the Expression of Myself, as Life: Day 15


Words as the Expression of Myself, as Life: Day 15




Of course, I’m not at all close to being the image and likeness of, ‘life,’ because all I know at this moment is destruction - Destructing life without any mercy because of never seeing the actuality of this reality, that this world is not life because of the continuous and consistent abuse that we’ve allowed to be and become, one and equal to as Life.

This is not Life. These words that I’m sharing with you at this moment are all I’m  able to communicate at the moment, and these words that I’m expressing through my words, I live and communicate, as the Living Word. It’s these words that I’m utilizing to express myself and to stand, one and equal - as the words, expressing myself through communicating within words to form sentences to allow myself to come to a realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the words that I voice within the totality of myself or write, have no consequences that will be manifested for myself to face my world/reality, as seeing and realizing that the words I communicate as, are what I’m existing as, one and equal as what I’m willing to live and exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that words have no value or definition of, ‘who I am,’ as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words, as using and abusing words to NOT live as Life but only for my own self-interest of getting what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the Living Word, as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as Living empty words to gain what I want as my self-interest for people to think and believe that I’m a certain persona to feed and sustain my ego, as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to NOT face the consequences that I’ve manifested as my empty words to use and abuse for a mere mind-purge to make others think and believe that I am this idea of Living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that I am able to ‘be and become an idea of Life’ in the face of Life, as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse words for fueling my ego as energy to NOT see the face of Life but allow the ego to have power over me and, ‘who I am,’ as Life.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that in ‘Being and becoming an idea of Life,’ fuels and sustains the ego, within this - I am creating a scapegoat to my ego and because of this scapegoat : That which I NOT face as Life will remain as Ego - and thus the scapegoat that I’ve self-created actually will remain when I’ve not accepted myself as Life, in essence to Face Life, as Words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no power and stand no chance against my precious ego, because I’m willing to Hear myself as Energy, then to remain Here and exist Here to Face Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Energy as the Ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that co-dependency on Energy as Ego is acceptable as, ‘who I am,’ as words to merely full-fill an empty void within myself to suppress all faces of Life, good and bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I stand no chance against all the words that I pervert within the Ego as energy is impossible to transcend, to purify, to Face Life that I Lived.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the potential of Life of, ‘who I am,’ as my current words and expression only exist of the mind - I do not accept and allow the Face of Failure, as NOT transcending words as self-expression in this ONE Life - this is not who I am.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to LIVE - Life as the Living Word.

3:41 PM

Day 14: Regurgitating Information Equalizing Self-Judgment


Day 14: Regurgitating Information Equalizing Self-Judgment




I've been suppressing to write myself out because of continually and consistently that I will waste my time because of experiencing myself as regurgitating information to not actually write myself out but participate in self-judgment of what I'm writing and, 'who I am,' within writing myself out for NOT allowing myself to realize for myself that writing myself out is for myself and myself, only.

When and as I see myself continually and consistently wasting my time because of writing from a starting point of self-judgment, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE. I see and realize that experiencing myself as regurgitating information to NOT actually write myself out is not an actual solution but merely stating that I'm being trolled by Control - instead, I investigate what it is I self-judge about myself to assist myself in writing myself out for supporting myself to move myself and correct these points of going into the mind because of thinking and believing I'm inferior.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow regurgitating information to exist within and as me, in separation of me because I've NOT allowed myself to realize that if I'm allowing myself to participate in regurgitating information because I find it very difficult for myself to remain HERE to stop in every moment to actually see/realize and understand that if its easy for myself to consistently and continuously go into my mind when I'm writing it obviously is a flag-point for myself to breathe to see how and why I've missed myself, in a moment that could've been spent in the physical to actually breathe.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to leave a back door for mistakes through always experiencing myself as regurgitating information to not actually write out myself for myself but participate in self-judgment of what I'm writing and, 'who I am,' within writing myself out, instead of walking HERE in the REALity, walking in self-trust and effectively planning that which I'm participating with and get to the center of the totality of myself to be and become the self-directive principle of myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see writing as a simple point of standing HERE, in simplicity for trusting myself by/through each and every breath I take to take my power back to myself - wherein, I give myself the power to be and become the self-directive principle of myself, within self-trust in every moment of every breath to NOT allow myself to access self-judgment - when and as I'm writing, I access self-trust where I'll walk what I MUST walk, within writing myself to freedom.

I forgive myself that I've have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself accordingly and in relation to regurgitating information and in relation to experiencing myself as being judged as a point of direction based, of and as separation of and from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself from walking within and as writing myself to freedom, through seeing that I'm inferior to what I'm writing and, 'who I am,' within my writing - through actually stating and accepting that I am not already here, therefore, I must and can only write regurgitated words that have no meaning or value - while I am in fact participating in polarity of "good" and "bad", because I am not being self-honest about who I am, and what I'm actually writing when I'm regurgitating information, as who I have allow myself to be and instead accepted myself to merely be and become knowledge, to NOT allow myself to realize that I'm abusing myself to NOT take the time to become self-honest and support a LIFE that is best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in writing that has no regard for LIFE but consistently and continuously harm myself and this world/reality, in the name of LIFE - where knowledge is placed before LIFE, where LIFE has become nothing more and nothing less than NOTHINGNESS, and thus life and knowledge has been disregarded to a point where we as human beings don't realize that we're completely separate from LIFE and KnowLEDGE.

When and as I see myself going into self-judgment for myself writing everything out, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back HERE to remind myself that self-judgment is but a reaction to NOT embracing to be and become NOTHINGNESS to place LIFE, one and equal as Know-LEDGE, meaning I LIVE the KnowLEDGE, I stop self-judgment, I breathe, I stand up and I start walking, breath by breath, in NOTHINGNESS until nothing but NOTHINGNESS remains.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as KnowLEDGE -instead of realizing for myself that I'm disregarding LIFE to believe that I am dependent and nothing more and nothing less than NOTHINGNESS to NOT see/realize and understand the real NOTHINGNESS of being HERE and existing HERE.

I commit myself to re-establishing myself from NOTHINGNESS to never disregard KnowLEDGE or LIFE - equal and one- so that I am able to apply myself towards LIVING knowledge to the NOTHINGNESS, as/for LIFE for the value of LIVING is actual LIFE.

I commit myself to investigate and come to know how I've deceived/believed myself that regurgitating information is due to a sabotage pattern of "good" or "bad" of self-judgment in my mind have accumulated and manifested a world where the value of LIVING is NOT Life.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself to regard LIFE as living KnowLEDGE into a LIVING being instead of continuing to exist as regurgitated broken record of KnowLEDGE and not LIFE.