6:39 PM

Day 16 - Why Would You Want to be an Actor?


Fear of Being in Theater Class



When I was 13, I decided that I wanted to pursue acting because I enclosed myself to myself. The first time I realized I wanted to become an actor was during summer-time and I had to pick the classes I wanted for High-School. I swore to myself that I was going to reinvent myself to not be and become a mute to face my anxiety head on. Little did I know, that I was already inventing myself to and become an actor of complete and entire separation for myself, of myself. The common-sense is that being and become an actor, within the starting-point of trying to reinvent myself into something that is more acceptable in society is not life. Let's face it - a person who is constantly trying to not face themselves to be and become a personality to gain acceptance from society is focusing on anyway to prove their self-interest than on being a responsible being that will change themselves, within a clear starting-point of Oneness and Equality. But if I were to allow myself to face the anxiety of others and just see that everyone around IS me, taking deep breaths and seeing myself into others their would be no fear because everything IS here.

Because of the abuse I allow as myself, I drove myself into creating complete abuse of creating separation of myself, which later formed to gaining a complete, 'energy rush,' when I'm performing because I've allowed myself to create multiple-personalities to ensure I don't face myself, within facing the actuality of the anxiety. One day, I was watching a video of myself performing, as I was seeing myself as this picture-presentation I lost sight of myself, to merely judge my physical appearance and give myself the value and definition of being, 'over-weight.' Everything of myself was never good enough to appreciate myself as myself. So, Theater became my own personal brand of heroine to design myself, in so many ways for myself to not face this ONE point of anxiety of people.

In spite of the past, time came where I decided to face this fear, head on, and would allow myself to take a Theater Course, again. So, today, I had to perform a monologue with my Partner, called, "The Art of Dining," there was a lot of frustration that came up for myself because I couldn't understand the actuality of the message. Within this, I allowed myself to access this point of anxiety to be and become possessed of how other people perceive myself. Obviously, I cannot express myself if I don't allow myself to get to know myself in self-intimacy and self-trust, understanding, and accepting myself first. In looking at the point of anxiety of others, I value others perceptions of me, more than valuing myself to support life, NOT, allowing myself to grow, to develop, to expand. And allowing myself to forgive the past because the past is NOT what's real.

The following backchat comes up: "Do they think I'm acting believable"? "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"?

So, what I'm doing is going into a vicious cycle of being a people-pleaser, and within this point I can see that was the primary reason I wanted to do Theater, within the point of getting some form of confirmation from others, within pleasing others because of enclosing myself to such an extent that I don't even see myself at all. Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent. Taking it back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself but look for these multiple personalities to be and become because I believe and deceive myself that this is the only way I can express myself within there NOT being any anxiety because I haven't allowed myself to see that I don't actually know myself at all, in seeing that I can never see myself within the point of knowing in relation to knowledge/information because I'm not accepting myself in any shape/form of understanding myself, in all ways possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the anxiety I'm experiencing to such an extent, that I allow myself to justify the extent of anxiety that I'm facing to separate myself from myself to self-create multiple personalities that will make me feel, 'warm,' and, 'fuzzy,' to within this have the desire to reinvent myself because of being ashamed of how society sees me, because I won't allow myself to see myself in self-honesty, I direct myself to create the space to grow, to expand, to develop.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to express myself in ONE moment, breath by breath, in self-awareness and let go of these concerns of how other people are seeing me performing and just let my expression flow, within the consideration of life - NOT others consideration of myself performing as a filter.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration that always trying to gain confirmation/validation from others within myself performing in front of an audience is desiring to please others is actually a vicious cycle that could go on forever, instead of focusing on building the accumulation point of self-intimacy and self-trust ; Within this I see and realize being a people-pleaser or always wanting everyone's validation/confirmation is a totally pointless exercise in the end that can harm my personal development as growing, developing and expanding as a responsible being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I'm inferior and give myself consent to be and become inferiority and within this not allowing myself to grow inner-confidence - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up for my so-called flaws into down - to - earth realizations of self-correction and see that there is a difference between being critical and being honest; learning to watch myself within reactions of the mind into self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to continuously and consistently feed the anxiety within myself when I'm performing in front of an audience, because I'm too busy worrying about the worst situations that could happen, instead of learning to laugh at myself within self-expression when it happens and afterward, showing myself that I can learn to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration if I'm not sharing myself within self-expression to those that I perform with, and within this I'm not allowing myself to receive as I give by giving myself the gift of life as self-appreciation to love and accept myself as I am, as ALL as ONE as EQUAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be and become an actor to be acceptable within society to compare myself to others to give their image-portrayal way too much power and reduce my own self-worth based on a mirage, instead I value the person I am as Life to embrace all of myself to be and become someone that is worthy of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be and actor within the starting-point of copying others' actions because it seems like a the better route to fit in, but really was being dishonest within myself to try and be self-honest of assuming other people's perspective of myself.

Backchat Self-Forgiveness: "Do they think I'm acting believable"? "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"?

"Do they think I'm acting believable"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? to exist within and as me towards my class mates to make me feel, 'believable.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? trigger worry/anxiety towards my class mates to make me feel, 'believable'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my class mates are the only source to make me, 'believable,' so I don't have to see/realize or understand that I'm abdicating self-responsibility by participating in worry/anxiety towards my class mates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? to the interconnections of emotional reactions of worry/anxiety, by not experiencing myself as,' believable'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"? to exist within and as me towards my class mates making me feel, 'believable,' or 'non-believable.'

I forgive myself that I didn't accept or allow myself to remind myself when I'm performing to see that there is a difference in-between being, 'believable,' or 'honest,' within myself to use acting as an expression of myself, but instead allowed myself to immediately  react within the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally react through worry/anxiety towards my class mates NOT making me feel, 'believable,' but instead make assumptions through the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT face myself about the worry/anxiety that I'm experiencing, for getting to the the actual cause and creating a solution, but instead allowed myself to immediately react with the backchat "Do they think I'm acting believable"?

"Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? to exist within and as me towards others outside myself seeing me perform.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? to direct me, instead of actually self-realizing for myself that it wouldn't even matter if everyone thought I was, 'skinny,' because I still wouldn't satisfied with my appearance if I don't allow myself to accept myself, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself that through the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor" I'm actually not seeing/realizing or understanding that I'm self-sabotaging myself within myself in the hopes of, 'finding acceptance,' outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that when wanting acceptance of others within my physical appearance to be and become an actor is wanting acceptance from myself to embrace all parts of myself, unconditionally, to actually allow myself to see myself everywhere and within that I'm seeing everyone around me as myself, embracing ourselves as life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself that participating in the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? is a flag-point for myself to actually see/realize and understand that when I'm allowing myself to participate in acceptance from others, I'm actually NOT allowing myself to connect with myself to accept myself, in ALL ways.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself that participating in the backchat "Does everyone think I'm too fat to be an actor"? towards myself and those around me because I actually don't want to stand up and find a solution within seeing those around me, BUT looking for faults in my physical appearance that I apparently can't change or accept myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-victimization/self-defeat of myself embracing my physical appearance to try and feel, 'accepted,' when I cannot NOT allow myself to connect with myself and accept myself for what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others around me seeing me perform from the starting-point of transference of energy, rather than actually cross-referencing points of polarity of, 'skinniness', and 'fattiness,' and making a stable self-agreement as myself that will stand the test of time, for what is best for ALL.

"Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat, "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand the backchat, "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? is in actuality talking back to myself, but I accepted and allowed myself myself to reflect it back outside myself to, 'being good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot,' and not actually look at my words because of not wanting/needing/desiring to assist myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/abuse the backchat further, "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? by/through participating in self-worth towards fearing how people see me within presentations, stead of self-directing myself and seeing myself in another's perceptions of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with myself through low-self worth, instead of me investigating reactions within myself and find out why I'm experiencing myself the way I am, not self-realizing my own worth of myself that I'm seeing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the backchat of "Am I good/clever enough to think of a monologue on the spot"? equally applies to myself suppressing/possessing myself within, not purifying the words, 'clever,' or, 'good,' and so I was equally talking to myself in my own backchat, but instead because of suppressing/possessing myself into low self-worth I allowed myself to self-sabotage my own self-agreement within myself and those that are around me when I'm performing.

I commit myself to slow down for myself to see that if I'm here, breath by breath, in self-awareness, I can learn to realize for myself and accept myself first, NOT dwelling upon what I've become in the past but consider what makes up the essence of, 'who I am.' Life.

I commit myself to STOP defining myself by my anxiety of people that I've developed the desire to be and become an actor to escape the separation that I've allowed, therefore, I don't allow myself to spend the rest of my life trying to still be an idea of what is acceptable in society, I will assist/support myself to allow space to grow, to develop, to expand and allow myself to forgive past errors and past behaviors that don't stand for life.

I commit myself to stopping all points of myself that of only consideration of my own self-interest, therefore, I allow myself to let go concerns of how others perceive me and just let my expression flow as I get to realize myself, more and more, taking into the consideration the massive time-loop that pleasing others implies to being a people-pleaser or always wanting everyone's confirmation/validation that is of pointlessness to harm my own personal development to develop, to expand and to grow.

I commit myself to stopping the shame and insecurity about any point/part/aspect of myself that are of self-interest, wherein - NOT realizing how to come to terms with myself and what I accepted into a down - to - earth realization of actual physical correction and not beat myself up and see there if a difference in between being critical and being self-honest.

8:32 PM

Words as the Expression of Myself, as Life: Day 15


Words as the Expression of Myself, as Life: Day 15




Of course, I’m not at all close to being the image and likeness of, ‘life,’ because all I know at this moment is destruction - Destructing life without any mercy because of never seeing the actuality of this reality, that this world is not life because of the continuous and consistent abuse that we’ve allowed to be and become, one and equal to as Life.

This is not Life. These words that I’m sharing with you at this moment are all I’m  able to communicate at the moment, and these words that I’m expressing through my words, I live and communicate, as the Living Word. It’s these words that I’m utilizing to express myself and to stand, one and equal - as the words, expressing myself through communicating within words to form sentences to allow myself to come to a realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the words that I voice within the totality of myself or write, have no consequences that will be manifested for myself to face my world/reality, as seeing and realizing that the words I communicate as, are what I’m existing as, one and equal as what I’m willing to live and exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that words have no value or definition of, ‘who I am,’ as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words, as using and abusing words to NOT live as Life but only for my own self-interest of getting what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the Living Word, as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as Living empty words to gain what I want as my self-interest for people to think and believe that I’m a certain persona to feed and sustain my ego, as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to NOT face the consequences that I’ve manifested as my empty words to use and abuse for a mere mind-purge to make others think and believe that I am this idea of Living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that I am able to ‘be and become an idea of Life’ in the face of Life, as ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse words for fueling my ego as energy to NOT see the face of Life but allow the ego to have power over me and, ‘who I am,’ as Life.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that in ‘Being and becoming an idea of Life,’ fuels and sustains the ego, within this - I am creating a scapegoat to my ego and because of this scapegoat : That which I NOT face as Life will remain as Ego - and thus the scapegoat that I’ve self-created actually will remain when I’ve not accepted myself as Life, in essence to Face Life, as Words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no power and stand no chance against my precious ego, because I’m willing to Hear myself as Energy, then to remain Here and exist Here to Face Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Energy as the Ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that co-dependency on Energy as Ego is acceptable as, ‘who I am,’ as words to merely full-fill an empty void within myself to suppress all faces of Life, good and bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I stand no chance against all the words that I pervert within the Ego as energy is impossible to transcend, to purify, to Face Life that I Lived.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the potential of Life of, ‘who I am,’ as my current words and expression only exist of the mind - I do not accept and allow the Face of Failure, as NOT transcending words as self-expression in this ONE Life - this is not who I am.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to LIVE - Life as the Living Word.

3:41 PM

Day 14: Regurgitating Information Equalizing Self-Judgment


Day 14: Regurgitating Information Equalizing Self-Judgment




I've been suppressing to write myself out because of continually and consistently that I will waste my time because of experiencing myself as regurgitating information to not actually write myself out but participate in self-judgment of what I'm writing and, 'who I am,' within writing myself out for NOT allowing myself to realize for myself that writing myself out is for myself and myself, only.

When and as I see myself continually and consistently wasting my time because of writing from a starting point of self-judgment, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE. I see and realize that experiencing myself as regurgitating information to NOT actually write myself out is not an actual solution but merely stating that I'm being trolled by Control - instead, I investigate what it is I self-judge about myself to assist myself in writing myself out for supporting myself to move myself and correct these points of going into the mind because of thinking and believing I'm inferior.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow regurgitating information to exist within and as me, in separation of me because I've NOT allowed myself to realize that if I'm allowing myself to participate in regurgitating information because I find it very difficult for myself to remain HERE to stop in every moment to actually see/realize and understand that if its easy for myself to consistently and continuously go into my mind when I'm writing it obviously is a flag-point for myself to breathe to see how and why I've missed myself, in a moment that could've been spent in the physical to actually breathe.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to leave a back door for mistakes through always experiencing myself as regurgitating information to not actually write out myself for myself but participate in self-judgment of what I'm writing and, 'who I am,' within writing myself out, instead of walking HERE in the REALity, walking in self-trust and effectively planning that which I'm participating with and get to the center of the totality of myself to be and become the self-directive principle of myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see writing as a simple point of standing HERE, in simplicity for trusting myself by/through each and every breath I take to take my power back to myself - wherein, I give myself the power to be and become the self-directive principle of myself, within self-trust in every moment of every breath to NOT allow myself to access self-judgment - when and as I'm writing, I access self-trust where I'll walk what I MUST walk, within writing myself to freedom.

I forgive myself that I've have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself accordingly and in relation to regurgitating information and in relation to experiencing myself as being judged as a point of direction based, of and as separation of and from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself from walking within and as writing myself to freedom, through seeing that I'm inferior to what I'm writing and, 'who I am,' within my writing - through actually stating and accepting that I am not already here, therefore, I must and can only write regurgitated words that have no meaning or value - while I am in fact participating in polarity of "good" and "bad", because I am not being self-honest about who I am, and what I'm actually writing when I'm regurgitating information, as who I have allow myself to be and instead accepted myself to merely be and become knowledge, to NOT allow myself to realize that I'm abusing myself to NOT take the time to become self-honest and support a LIFE that is best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in writing that has no regard for LIFE but consistently and continuously harm myself and this world/reality, in the name of LIFE - where knowledge is placed before LIFE, where LIFE has become nothing more and nothing less than NOTHINGNESS, and thus life and knowledge has been disregarded to a point where we as human beings don't realize that we're completely separate from LIFE and KnowLEDGE.

When and as I see myself going into self-judgment for myself writing everything out, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back HERE to remind myself that self-judgment is but a reaction to NOT embracing to be and become NOTHINGNESS to place LIFE, one and equal as Know-LEDGE, meaning I LIVE the KnowLEDGE, I stop self-judgment, I breathe, I stand up and I start walking, breath by breath, in NOTHINGNESS until nothing but NOTHINGNESS remains.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as KnowLEDGE -instead of realizing for myself that I'm disregarding LIFE to believe that I am dependent and nothing more and nothing less than NOTHINGNESS to NOT see/realize and understand the real NOTHINGNESS of being HERE and existing HERE.

I commit myself to re-establishing myself from NOTHINGNESS to never disregard KnowLEDGE or LIFE - equal and one- so that I am able to apply myself towards LIVING knowledge to the NOTHINGNESS, as/for LIFE for the value of LIVING is actual LIFE.

I commit myself to investigate and come to know how I've deceived/believed myself that regurgitating information is due to a sabotage pattern of "good" or "bad" of self-judgment in my mind have accumulated and manifested a world where the value of LIVING is NOT Life.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself to regard LIFE as living KnowLEDGE into a LIVING being instead of continuing to exist as regurgitated broken record of KnowLEDGE and not LIFE.

11:03 PM

Day 13: Hopelessness Within Process


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely feel hopeless about process in general because my Mom is experiencing herself as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat of hopelessness in relation to my Mom experiencing herself as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting and actually postponing to actually discuss the point openly within someone else because of fear the person will not actually understand what I’m experiencing, thus, think I’m whining about my Mom and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely lose myself within my Mother because of fear that she will never accept Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and within this I’m giving up on existence to actually realize for myself that my actions of hopeless actually have manifested consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by/through the emotional reaction of hopelessness because my Mother won’t accept Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need and desire for my Mom to accept Desteni, so, I won’t have to keep on lying 24/7 and continue experiencing myself as never actually releasing myself from myself because I’m constantly worrying when my Mom is going to have her next mental-breakdown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry when my Mom is going to have her next mental-breakdown.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize for myself that fantasying about my Mother having her next mental breakdown within the emotional reaction of worry is actually compounding the point further and creating it further to realize myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry because of fearing my Mom is going to completely abuse me in a very unconscious way of her preprogrammed design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself worry consistently in relation to my Mom having her next mental breakdown instead of being here and walking my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into much detail within self-forgiveness because of fear that people will think I’m bashing my Mom or I’m seeking attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to prove myself towards my Mother about Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to prove to my Mom that Desteni is something that I’m always going to stand by because of what it has allowed me to realize for myself that I already realized on some level of my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the words my Mom says about Desteni is attentional to hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless, believe I am hopeless because I am not able to ever say something that I simply want to express in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely hopeless since I live with my Mom and there is consistent abuse and friction between the two of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe its completely hopeless against my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to completely leave my Mom because of all the abuse that is has been occurring because I don’t know what else to do within my backchat of hopelessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat of hopeless because of experiencing myself as literally stuck because I don’t know what else to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that nobody else that is walking process within Desteni realizes what I’m exactly experiencing because of not having to actually live with their family members that abuse consistently in their unconscious preprogrammed designs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that nobody else that is walking process within Desteni realizes what I’m experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat of hopelessness within my Mom that I shouldn’t participate in Desteni altogether because it seems like too much conflict and trouble with my Mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself experience myself as completely being stuck in life and there is nothing I can actually do because of these compounded reactions of hopelessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to hide away altogether because of these compounded reactions of hopelessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to give up on process as myself just so I wouldn’t have to face my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is worth doing if it means I have to face my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in everything I do because my Mom might take it the wrong way and have a mental-breakdown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words my Mom speaks about me personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words my Mom speaks about Desteni personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I’m the only reason my Mom is reacting extensively to myself changing and Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my Mom clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see.

I commit myself to seeing myself clearly when I’m experiencing backchat of hopeless directed towards myself never being able to express myself openly and honestly within my Mom. When and as I see myself participating in backchat of hopeless directed towards myself never being able to express myself openly and honestly within my Mom, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here to actually realize for myself that the only thing I can do at the moment is walk the point of friction with my family, step by step, breath by breath.



10:11 PM

Day 12: SCHOOL


Today I have school and all the other days as well, though every time when its almost time for school I become nervous/anxious/stressed by this idea that I mind-projected towards going to school. As though this idea that I created of school has power over me because of believing that school is something that is superior to me through placing this idea that I’m inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school. When I go to school I imagine everyone staring at me and judging me and the teachers yelling at me because I’m apparently so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I see/realize that having this idea of the entire school construct is only belittling/self-diminishing myself, but I allow myself to continue participating in this time-loop of self-judgment because then I wouldn’t have to take self-responsibility for myself remaining HERE in every moment of breath. I’m allowing myself to let my nervousness/anxiousness/stress become the directive principle of myself, which is always the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous/anxious/stressed by an idea that I mind-projected towards school.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to self-realize for myself that giving nervousness/anxiousness/stress power over myself is believing that school is something superior to me,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive/define that school is superior to me because of this idea that I’m inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine everyone staring at me and judging me and the teachers yelling at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine everyone starting at me and judging me because I’m apparently so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine everyone staring at me and judging me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine people staring at me and judging me and reacting within nervousness/anxiousness/stress because apparently I’m so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of people staring at me and judging me when I know it only leads to belittling/self-diminishing myself to continue participating in the time-loop of self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the time-loop of self-judgment/facial expressions of people staring at me and judging me when I know its self-sabotage and self-defining people’s stares/body-language as something equal to myself of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-sabotage of people’s self-judgment/facial expressions of people staring at me and judging me.

I forgive for not allowing myself to self-realize for myself, rather than KNOW through knowledge/information that when people are apparently staring at me and judging me I allow myself to self-realize for myself that its all about self-defining myself one and equal to the mind of people’s self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-defining myself by people’s stares/body-language/facial expressions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine teachers yelling at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine teachers yelling at me and judging me and reacting within nervousness/anxiousness/stress because apparently I’m so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of teachers yelling at me and judging me when I know it only leads to belittling/self-diminishing myself to continue participating in the time-loop of self-judgment.

Procedure for Redefining a Word
SCHOOL
1. Gathering information
d. Establishing self’s allocation point-I have experienced anxiety/stress/anxiousness because I allow myself to believe/deceive myself that I’m too inferior/stupid to be in school. I allowed myself to be the receiver of the word SCHOOL through the mind because believing/deceiving myself that I cannot ‘bring my power back’. The definition I have given the word SCHOOL is a complete place where I cannot express myself unconditionally and not giving into the mind of emotions through anxiety/anxiousness/stress.

B. Dictionary Definition
school
1 [skool]
noun1.an institution where instruction is given, especially to persons under college age: The children are at school.
2.an institution for instruction in a particular skill or field.
3.a college or university.
4.a regular course of meetings of a teacher or teachers and students for instruction; program of instruction: summerschool.
5.a session of such a course: no school today; to be kept afterschool.

E. Sound the word- Sch-ool, skool, skool cool, skool hole, skool whole, cool hole, cool whole
2. Investigate the information of the word that has been gathered


Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as
information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or
‘bad’/’negative’)?


This can be determined by looking at:
A. Personal Experiences of the word SCHOOL- Within the word SCHOOL I’m not allowing myself to see/realize or understand that the experience I have to the word SCHOOL is separation of everyone around me as the WHOLE of school, instead reacting through fear that someone/something is going to harm me and I cannot do anything about it because I’m powerless to the emotions of anxiety/stress/anxiousness, by believing/deceiving myself that I’m separate from my emotions. Through sounding the word SCHOOL I see/realize and understand that I’m allowing myself to self-create a hole of the whole of allowing separation of self. 
B. How you have interpreted the word as ‘good’/positive or ‘bad’/’ negative? Negative-because I’m allowing myself to have a negative charge to the word SCHOOL, by having this idea that school is a place where I don’t belong because apparently I’m too inferior/stupid to belong in the school. Obviously, belittling/self-diminishing myself because allowing myself to believe that I’m nothing and everyone else is everything, which is drastic separation of self.
C. What associations do you have with the word? Being in kindergarten, and the teacher making me say the ABC’s to the class when she knew that I didn’t know them at the time. Leading, towards her wanting to fail me and make me take kindergarten all over again. This represents myself being inferior/stupid in SCHOOL that I have self-defined, as myself.
Do you feel better or worse when you are using or experiencing this word? Worse-experience is within fear of this word.

3. New Definition

A. SCHOOL, Creating Writing: SCHOOL in the future for an Equal Money System I can see/realize and understand won’t be based on knowledge/information and based on competition and inferiority/superiority and stupidity/intelligence, but an Education where we cannot learn about ourselves , as LIFE. And to establish oneness and equality where we can allow ourselves to see others as ourselves, by not allowing ourselves to let knowledge/information become some empty and something we have to live up to, but to actually live our words through oneness and equality, as the expression of LIFE. SCHOOL is part of the whole and so I allow myself to self-realize this by Equality & Oneness for what is best for ALL.
B. Writing the Definition: SCHOOL is a place where be can live our words as ourselves.

4. Checking the Definition:
A. Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word? No.
B. Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally? Yes.
C. Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means? Yes.

12:09 AM

Day 11: Math is EVIL and MALICIOUS!!!


Today I had a Math quiz out of nowhere and I panicked because it wasn’t discussed in my last class. I’ve focused already on sub-points of fearing not getting an A+, then working on points of fearing being late to class but never actually focused on fearing taking a Math quiz. 

Funny, how I state merely Math quiz and not an actual general quiz because of having some sort of affinity of fear to Math - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will just lose all the equations that I memorized and just blank out because of the pressure that I’m experiencing within myself to do well on the Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I’ll only be able to remember the Math equations when I’m in class working together as the class or by myself working on the home work because I don’t feel any obligation to do well on the home work because the teacher merely skims around the home work to see if we actually completed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I fail on my Math quiz - I must be a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the mere manifestation of failure by what mark my Teacher gives me on my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I forgot the Math equations - I must be a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the mere manifestation of failure by forgetting a freaking equation on a Math quiz - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need and desire for everything to go fine and dandy within the test, instead - not seeing/realizing and understanding that I’m actually not seeing this within myself to be at peace within myself to be “fine and dandy” so fear of being a failure doesn’t control myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually see for myself to want/need and desire for everything to go fine and dandy within myself because I’m not actually the self-directive principle of my world and reality - YET!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the questions my teacher might ask on my Math quiz for myself to have the answers regurgitated nicely to not actually understand what the equations actually are in essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I see an equation that I don’t actually understand on the very first question that I will become discouraged and just go through the tests in discouragement within half-assing the Math quiz altogether because of thinking and believing that if I don’t understand one question on the very first part of the test then that means that I never understood all the other questions and was just fucking with myself the entire time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself that I will be alright because all the mind-projections of wanting/needing/desiring for everything to go “fine and dandy” is what I actually desire to have within myself, therefore, I allow this desire to become a reality to actually remain within self-awareness - as I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I hand in my test to my Teacher that he will grade it to read it right in front of me, therefore, I allow myself to think and believe that my Teacher thinks I’m some sort of idiot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my Teacher will and/or already thinks I’m an idiot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people perceive me, therefore, I take it “Back to myself” to actually see how I perceive myself at the moment and actually SEE within self-honesty if I’m actually respecting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the Teacher will interrogate me for apparently not doing well on the Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive a Teacher as someone that is here on this planet to make your life a living hell and to act like they no everything in the world, instead - NOT seeing the Teacher as my equal and an actual person that is just like me and separating myself from my Teacher to allow ideas projected to never see my Teacher as an actual person but only an idea of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous about my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because of a quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be anxious and n fear because of a quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe being nervous and anxious is part of quizzes and equations is simply a part of life - WTF!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe NOT being nervous and anxious makes me irresponsible because if I don’t apparently react in fear of something 24/7 then that means I’m not getting it the time it deserves - LOL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that reacting in nervousness and anxiousness is an acceptable starting-point to get work done in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that reacting in nervousness and anxiousness when I’m about and/or during I’m taking a Math quiz is the only starting-point for myself to actually get shit done efficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that stress, anxiety and nervousness forces me to work hard on my Math quizzes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions and feelings such as stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety direct me instead of ME directing ME as the self-directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be literally CONtrolled by emotional reactions of stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety because of separating myself from stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety because of not SEEING that these reactions are equal and one to myself but evil and malicious because of what they make me be and become - lol - instead, of seeing/realizing and understanding I’m the one that self-created these reactions thus I’m actually the one that is evil and malicious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and act like the victim towards emotional reactions that I’ve self-created - one and equal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am one and equal to my mind as emotions such as stress, fear, nervousness, anxiety, - thus I can direct them as me - because I am one and equal to them.

I move myself towards kicking the fear in the ass within fearing my own to actually take responsibility when I’m being CONtrolled by fear because of NOT allowing myself to SEE that I am in control of my own life, therefore, I create it - one and equal.

Equal and One as Evil and Maliciousness - lol. 

I’m the Creator of myself, therefore, the emotions that I experience aren’t some evil and malicious fuck up because I’m the one that has created it, therefore, I accept in humbleness to not self-judge myself when I’m participating in emotional reactions towards fear of taking a Math quiz because I SEE that I am literally it. I’m my own answer.

10:08 PM

Day 10: Life Cannot be Found

"When one is pre occupied with knowledge --you cannot see what is here as you can only see the knowledge that occupy you -- occupied mind street?" - Bernard Poolman




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from LIFE, by/through trying to understand/attain some form of knowledge and/or understanding of LIFE but to never actually live LIFE, instead - I lost myself within knowledge to not see the actuality of this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to LIVE in this world and reality I cannot hijack knowledge and/or understanding of LIFE to fulfill myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that how I define LIFE from knowledge and/or understanding is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as LIFE to seek knowledge and/or understanding of LIFE and thereby within that separate myself from myself as well as accepting myself to continue existing in separation of losing myself to not see the actuality of this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to be separate from LIFE as who I am, instead of realizing that it is only within and as the self-accepted delusion of knowledge that gives me the delusion that I’m losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be and become LIFE as the very life essence I am from this physical reality within and as NOT believing and accepting that it is impossible to find an answer to the meaning of LIFE within knowledge and/or understanding but to actually LIVE the knowledge and/or understanding, based on a starting-point of accepting myself as knowledge that gives me the gift of living my words as LIFE, therefore, I no longer lose or gain anything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not take the time to stand within and as myself to LIVE my words as who I am as LIFE, then I don’t SEE myself but only create destruction upon this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LOSE myself within knowledge and/or understanding that I don’t allow myself to SEE this physical reality because of knowledge and/or understanding, as all the parts that I have separated myself into and as. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into and experience of wanting/needing and desiring to gain knowledge and/or understanding of/as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my reactions of wanting/needing and desiring to gain knowledge and/or understanding of/as LIFE of being directed by/through how screwed up the world is, never actually changing MYSELF and correcting MYSELF to actually LIVE the knowledge and/or understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define LIFE as knowledge and/or information within and as separation, wherein - I lose myself, not seeing/realizing and understanding that every time when I’m losing myself within the actuality of the substance as who I am as life, I’m merely sucking away the very life essence I am, by/through leeching off of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as LIFE from the physical, by/through leeching off of the physical within the means of energy to fulfill myself to actually SEE myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider LIFE as an endless loophole of something outward to entertain oneself with, look at and define LIFE from an endless loophole that is always outward, never considering that LIFE is merely a theme park of fun and games to never actually see the actual picture, for/as your constantly stuck in the endless loophole of the theme park and you don’t know when your going to wake up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I am incapable of getting out of the theme park full of the loopholes and coasters to actually get real into this reality and wake up from this loophole of entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within participating in the mind, instead - I haven’t realized for myself the actuality of the physical substance is who I am as life into consideration, wherein - I allowed myself to participate in energetic means to fulfill myself to not actually SEE myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fulfill myself to not actually fill myself with LIFE, within and as actually feeling the physical pain that my physical body is experiencing, that I’m not SEEING myself as life as who I really am.

I commit myself to NOT look outside myself for/as knowledge and/or understanding that isn’t actually LIVED or within the starting-point of trying to make LIFE into some complex equation to NOT actually look at what is HERE in this physical reality and to actually SEE ourselves as LIFE as who we really are.

I commit myself to investigate myself as who I am as LIFE, for/as LIFE to actually SEE myself as LIFE, for the very first time and actually see this world and reality, not being blind knowledge and/or understanding.

I commit myself to SEE myself as Life in every possible way how I have used/abuse knowledge and/or understanding in the name of LIFE.

I commit myself to stop myself when I am trying to find LIFE within knowledge and/or understanding that I am NOT living and to focus on myself as LIFE to actually SEE myself as LIFE, for/as there will be nowhere to find LIFE because it will always be HERE within and as myself, in self-awareness.