11:03 PM

Day 13: Hopelessness Within Process


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely feel hopeless about process in general because my Mom is experiencing herself as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat of hopelessness in relation to my Mom experiencing herself as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting and actually postponing to actually discuss the point openly within someone else because of fear the person will not actually understand what I’m experiencing, thus, think I’m whining about my Mom and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely lose myself within my Mother because of fear that she will never accept Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and within this I’m giving up on existence to actually realize for myself that my actions of hopeless actually have manifested consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by/through the emotional reaction of hopelessness because my Mother won’t accept Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need and desire for my Mom to accept Desteni, so, I won’t have to keep on lying 24/7 and continue experiencing myself as never actually releasing myself from myself because I’m constantly worrying when my Mom is going to have her next mental-breakdown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry when my Mom is going to have her next mental-breakdown.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize for myself that fantasying about my Mother having her next mental breakdown within the emotional reaction of worry is actually compounding the point further and creating it further to realize myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry because of fearing my Mom is going to completely abuse me in a very unconscious way of her preprogrammed design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself worry consistently in relation to my Mom having her next mental breakdown instead of being here and walking my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into much detail within self-forgiveness because of fear that people will think I’m bashing my Mom or I’m seeking attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have to prove myself towards my Mother about Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to prove to my Mom that Desteni is something that I’m always going to stand by because of what it has allowed me to realize for myself that I already realized on some level of my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the words my Mom says about Desteni is attentional to hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless, believe I am hopeless because I am not able to ever say something that I simply want to express in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel completely hopeless since I live with my Mom and there is consistent abuse and friction between the two of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe its completely hopeless against my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to completely leave my Mom because of all the abuse that is has been occurring because I don’t know what else to do within my backchat of hopelessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat of hopeless because of experiencing myself as literally stuck because I don’t know what else to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that nobody else that is walking process within Desteni realizes what I’m exactly experiencing because of not having to actually live with their family members that abuse consistently in their unconscious preprogrammed designs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that nobody else that is walking process within Desteni realizes what I’m experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat of hopelessness within my Mom that I shouldn’t participate in Desteni altogether because it seems like too much conflict and trouble with my Mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself experience myself as completely being stuck in life and there is nothing I can actually do because of these compounded reactions of hopelessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to hide away altogether because of these compounded reactions of hopelessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to give up on process as myself just so I wouldn’t have to face my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is worth doing if it means I have to face my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in everything I do because my Mom might take it the wrong way and have a mental-breakdown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words my Mom speaks about me personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words my Mom speaks about Desteni personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I’m the only reason my Mom is reacting extensively to myself changing and Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my Mom clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my Mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see.

I commit myself to seeing myself clearly when I’m experiencing backchat of hopeless directed towards myself never being able to express myself openly and honestly within my Mom. When and as I see myself participating in backchat of hopeless directed towards myself never being able to express myself openly and honestly within my Mom, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here to actually realize for myself that the only thing I can do at the moment is walk the point of friction with my family, step by step, breath by breath.



10:11 PM

Day 12: SCHOOL


Today I have school and all the other days as well, though every time when its almost time for school I become nervous/anxious/stressed by this idea that I mind-projected towards going to school. As though this idea that I created of school has power over me because of believing that school is something that is superior to me through placing this idea that I’m inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school. When I go to school I imagine everyone staring at me and judging me and the teachers yelling at me because I’m apparently so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I see/realize that having this idea of the entire school construct is only belittling/self-diminishing myself, but I allow myself to continue participating in this time-loop of self-judgment because then I wouldn’t have to take self-responsibility for myself remaining HERE in every moment of breath. I’m allowing myself to let my nervousness/anxiousness/stress become the directive principle of myself, which is always the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous/anxious/stressed by an idea that I mind-projected towards school.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to self-realize for myself that giving nervousness/anxiousness/stress power over myself is believing that school is something superior to me,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive/define that school is superior to me because of this idea that I’m inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine everyone staring at me and judging me and the teachers yelling at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine everyone starting at me and judging me because I’m apparently so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine everyone staring at me and judging me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine people staring at me and judging me and reacting within nervousness/anxiousness/stress because apparently I’m so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of people staring at me and judging me when I know it only leads to belittling/self-diminishing myself to continue participating in the time-loop of self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the time-loop of self-judgment/facial expressions of people staring at me and judging me when I know its self-sabotage and self-defining people’s stares/body-language as something equal to myself of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-sabotage of people’s self-judgment/facial expressions of people staring at me and judging me.

I forgive for not allowing myself to self-realize for myself, rather than KNOW through knowledge/information that when people are apparently staring at me and judging me I allow myself to self-realize for myself that its all about self-defining myself one and equal to the mind of people’s self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-defining myself by people’s stares/body-language/facial expressions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine teachers yelling at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine teachers yelling at me and judging me and reacting within nervousness/anxiousness/stress because apparently I’m so inferior/stupid and don’t belong in school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of teachers yelling at me and judging me when I know it only leads to belittling/self-diminishing myself to continue participating in the time-loop of self-judgment.

Procedure for Redefining a Word
SCHOOL
1. Gathering information
d. Establishing self’s allocation point-I have experienced anxiety/stress/anxiousness because I allow myself to believe/deceive myself that I’m too inferior/stupid to be in school. I allowed myself to be the receiver of the word SCHOOL through the mind because believing/deceiving myself that I cannot ‘bring my power back’. The definition I have given the word SCHOOL is a complete place where I cannot express myself unconditionally and not giving into the mind of emotions through anxiety/anxiousness/stress.

B. Dictionary Definition
school
1 [skool]
noun1.an institution where instruction is given, especially to persons under college age: The children are at school.
2.an institution for instruction in a particular skill or field.
3.a college or university.
4.a regular course of meetings of a teacher or teachers and students for instruction; program of instruction: summerschool.
5.a session of such a course: no school today; to be kept afterschool.

E. Sound the word- Sch-ool, skool, skool cool, skool hole, skool whole, cool hole, cool whole
2. Investigate the information of the word that has been gathered


Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as
information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or
‘bad’/’negative’)?


This can be determined by looking at:
A. Personal Experiences of the word SCHOOL- Within the word SCHOOL I’m not allowing myself to see/realize or understand that the experience I have to the word SCHOOL is separation of everyone around me as the WHOLE of school, instead reacting through fear that someone/something is going to harm me and I cannot do anything about it because I’m powerless to the emotions of anxiety/stress/anxiousness, by believing/deceiving myself that I’m separate from my emotions. Through sounding the word SCHOOL I see/realize and understand that I’m allowing myself to self-create a hole of the whole of allowing separation of self. 
B. How you have interpreted the word as ‘good’/positive or ‘bad’/’ negative? Negative-because I’m allowing myself to have a negative charge to the word SCHOOL, by having this idea that school is a place where I don’t belong because apparently I’m too inferior/stupid to belong in the school. Obviously, belittling/self-diminishing myself because allowing myself to believe that I’m nothing and everyone else is everything, which is drastic separation of self.
C. What associations do you have with the word? Being in kindergarten, and the teacher making me say the ABC’s to the class when she knew that I didn’t know them at the time. Leading, towards her wanting to fail me and make me take kindergarten all over again. This represents myself being inferior/stupid in SCHOOL that I have self-defined, as myself.
Do you feel better or worse when you are using or experiencing this word? Worse-experience is within fear of this word.

3. New Definition

A. SCHOOL, Creating Writing: SCHOOL in the future for an Equal Money System I can see/realize and understand won’t be based on knowledge/information and based on competition and inferiority/superiority and stupidity/intelligence, but an Education where we cannot learn about ourselves , as LIFE. And to establish oneness and equality where we can allow ourselves to see others as ourselves, by not allowing ourselves to let knowledge/information become some empty and something we have to live up to, but to actually live our words through oneness and equality, as the expression of LIFE. SCHOOL is part of the whole and so I allow myself to self-realize this by Equality & Oneness for what is best for ALL.
B. Writing the Definition: SCHOOL is a place where be can live our words as ourselves.

4. Checking the Definition:
A. Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word? No.
B. Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally? Yes.
C. Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means? Yes.

12:09 AM

Day 11: Math is EVIL and MALICIOUS!!!


Today I had a Math quiz out of nowhere and I panicked because it wasn’t discussed in my last class. I’ve focused already on sub-points of fearing not getting an A+, then working on points of fearing being late to class but never actually focused on fearing taking a Math quiz. 

Funny, how I state merely Math quiz and not an actual general quiz because of having some sort of affinity of fear to Math - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will just lose all the equations that I memorized and just blank out because of the pressure that I’m experiencing within myself to do well on the Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I’ll only be able to remember the Math equations when I’m in class working together as the class or by myself working on the home work because I don’t feel any obligation to do well on the home work because the teacher merely skims around the home work to see if we actually completed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I fail on my Math quiz - I must be a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the mere manifestation of failure by what mark my Teacher gives me on my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I forgot the Math equations - I must be a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the mere manifestation of failure by forgetting a freaking equation on a Math quiz - lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need and desire for everything to go fine and dandy within the test, instead - not seeing/realizing and understanding that I’m actually not seeing this within myself to be at peace within myself to be “fine and dandy” so fear of being a failure doesn’t control myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually see for myself to want/need and desire for everything to go fine and dandy within myself because I’m not actually the self-directive principle of my world and reality - YET!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the questions my teacher might ask on my Math quiz for myself to have the answers regurgitated nicely to not actually understand what the equations actually are in essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I see an equation that I don’t actually understand on the very first question that I will become discouraged and just go through the tests in discouragement within half-assing the Math quiz altogether because of thinking and believing that if I don’t understand one question on the very first part of the test then that means that I never understood all the other questions and was just fucking with myself the entire time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT trust myself that I will be alright because all the mind-projections of wanting/needing/desiring for everything to go “fine and dandy” is what I actually desire to have within myself, therefore, I allow this desire to become a reality to actually remain within self-awareness - as I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I hand in my test to my Teacher that he will grade it to read it right in front of me, therefore, I allow myself to think and believe that my Teacher thinks I’m some sort of idiot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my Teacher will and/or already thinks I’m an idiot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people perceive me, therefore, I take it “Back to myself” to actually see how I perceive myself at the moment and actually SEE within self-honesty if I’m actually respecting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the Teacher will interrogate me for apparently not doing well on the Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive a Teacher as someone that is here on this planet to make your life a living hell and to act like they no everything in the world, instead - NOT seeing the Teacher as my equal and an actual person that is just like me and separating myself from my Teacher to allow ideas projected to never see my Teacher as an actual person but only an idea of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous about my Math quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because of a quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be anxious and n fear because of a quiz.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe being nervous and anxious is part of quizzes and equations is simply a part of life - WTF!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe NOT being nervous and anxious makes me irresponsible because if I don’t apparently react in fear of something 24/7 then that means I’m not getting it the time it deserves - LOL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that reacting in nervousness and anxiousness is an acceptable starting-point to get work done in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that reacting in nervousness and anxiousness when I’m about and/or during I’m taking a Math quiz is the only starting-point for myself to actually get shit done efficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and deceive myself that stress, anxiety and nervousness forces me to work hard on my Math quizzes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions and feelings such as stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety direct me instead of ME directing ME as the self-directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be literally CONtrolled by emotional reactions of stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety because of separating myself from stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety because of not SEEING that these reactions are equal and one to myself but evil and malicious because of what they make me be and become - lol - instead, of seeing/realizing and understanding I’m the one that self-created these reactions thus I’m actually the one that is evil and malicious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and act like the victim towards emotional reactions that I’ve self-created - one and equal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am one and equal to my mind as emotions such as stress, fear, nervousness, anxiety, - thus I can direct them as me - because I am one and equal to them.

I move myself towards kicking the fear in the ass within fearing my own to actually take responsibility when I’m being CONtrolled by fear because of NOT allowing myself to SEE that I am in control of my own life, therefore, I create it - one and equal.

Equal and One as Evil and Maliciousness - lol. 

I’m the Creator of myself, therefore, the emotions that I experience aren’t some evil and malicious fuck up because I’m the one that has created it, therefore, I accept in humbleness to not self-judge myself when I’m participating in emotional reactions towards fear of taking a Math quiz because I SEE that I am literally it. I’m my own answer.

10:08 PM

Day 10: Life Cannot be Found

"When one is pre occupied with knowledge --you cannot see what is here as you can only see the knowledge that occupy you -- occupied mind street?" - Bernard Poolman




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from LIFE, by/through trying to understand/attain some form of knowledge and/or understanding of LIFE but to never actually live LIFE, instead - I lost myself within knowledge to not see the actuality of this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to LIVE in this world and reality I cannot hijack knowledge and/or understanding of LIFE to fulfill myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that how I define LIFE from knowledge and/or understanding is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as LIFE to seek knowledge and/or understanding of LIFE and thereby within that separate myself from myself as well as accepting myself to continue existing in separation of losing myself to not see the actuality of this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to be separate from LIFE as who I am, instead of realizing that it is only within and as the self-accepted delusion of knowledge that gives me the delusion that I’m losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be and become LIFE as the very life essence I am from this physical reality within and as NOT believing and accepting that it is impossible to find an answer to the meaning of LIFE within knowledge and/or understanding but to actually LIVE the knowledge and/or understanding, based on a starting-point of accepting myself as knowledge that gives me the gift of living my words as LIFE, therefore, I no longer lose or gain anything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not take the time to stand within and as myself to LIVE my words as who I am as LIFE, then I don’t SEE myself but only create destruction upon this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LOSE myself within knowledge and/or understanding that I don’t allow myself to SEE this physical reality because of knowledge and/or understanding, as all the parts that I have separated myself into and as. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into and experience of wanting/needing and desiring to gain knowledge and/or understanding of/as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my reactions of wanting/needing and desiring to gain knowledge and/or understanding of/as LIFE of being directed by/through how screwed up the world is, never actually changing MYSELF and correcting MYSELF to actually LIVE the knowledge and/or understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define LIFE as knowledge and/or information within and as separation, wherein - I lose myself, not seeing/realizing and understanding that every time when I’m losing myself within the actuality of the substance as who I am as life, I’m merely sucking away the very life essence I am, by/through leeching off of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as LIFE from the physical, by/through leeching off of the physical within the means of energy to fulfill myself to actually SEE myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider LIFE as an endless loophole of something outward to entertain oneself with, look at and define LIFE from an endless loophole that is always outward, never considering that LIFE is merely a theme park of fun and games to never actually see the actual picture, for/as your constantly stuck in the endless loophole of the theme park and you don’t know when your going to wake up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I am incapable of getting out of the theme park full of the loopholes and coasters to actually get real into this reality and wake up from this loophole of entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within participating in the mind, instead - I haven’t realized for myself the actuality of the physical substance is who I am as life into consideration, wherein - I allowed myself to participate in energetic means to fulfill myself to not actually SEE myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fulfill myself to not actually fill myself with LIFE, within and as actually feeling the physical pain that my physical body is experiencing, that I’m not SEEING myself as life as who I really am.

I commit myself to NOT look outside myself for/as knowledge and/or understanding that isn’t actually LIVED or within the starting-point of trying to make LIFE into some complex equation to NOT actually look at what is HERE in this physical reality and to actually SEE ourselves as LIFE as who we really are.

I commit myself to investigate myself as who I am as LIFE, for/as LIFE to actually SEE myself as LIFE, for the very first time and actually see this world and reality, not being blind knowledge and/or understanding.

I commit myself to SEE myself as Life in every possible way how I have used/abuse knowledge and/or understanding in the name of LIFE.

I commit myself to stop myself when I am trying to find LIFE within knowledge and/or understanding that I am NOT living and to focus on myself as LIFE to actually SEE myself as LIFE, for/as there will be nowhere to find LIFE because it will always be HERE within and as myself, in self-awareness.

9:39 AM

Day 9: Fear of Being Late to School


Fear of Being Late to School



Today at School, I forgot some stuff and my Mother called me when I was actually at the College to tell me this for myself - wherein, it wasn’t a biggie for me at the time but there was some subtle points of emotional reacting to fearing being late to class. This is mostly due to myself fearing punishment and looking at the Teacher’s face and basically mind-projecting onto myself on how the Professor is experiencing his/her self, basically, imagining and fantasizing how this Professor is seeing me in that moment - wherein, the whole imagination/fantasy scenario is self-created in my mind, in a very negative way. So, being late to School is actually mind-projected within a negative signature charge. All my life, you could say that I always feared consequences and/or punishment but this is mostly due to my Mother’s very intense manner of being, wherein - I became afraid that everyone was the same and would just keeping hurting me. Within this I’m blaming my Mom for facing others within being irresponsible for my own actions, NOT taking the time to actually investigate and see for myself what I am actually doing to myself.

Punishment 

Negatively charged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word punishment as a negatively charged value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself t judge the word punishment as ‘bad’/‘wrong’/negative.’

Fear of Being late to school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Punishment to Fearing being late to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Punishment within Fearing being late to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word Punishment and from Fearing being late to school through defining the word Punishment, in separation of myself.

Imagining and fantasizing how this Professor is seeing me in the moment 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Punishment to Imagining and fantasizing how this Professor is seeing me in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Punishment within Imagining and fantasizing how this Professor is seeing me the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word Punishment and from Imagining and fantasizing how this Professor is seeing me in the moment through defining the word Punishment, in separation of myself.

My Mother’s intense manner of being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Punishment to my Mother’s intense manner of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Punishment within my Mother’s intense manner of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word Punishment and from my Mother’s intense manner of being through defining the word Punishment, in separation of myself.

Consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Punishment to Consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Punishment within the word Consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word Punishment and from the word Consequence through defining the word Punishment within Consequence, in separation of myself.

~
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late to College because of fantasizing and imagining how my Professor is seeing me at the moment, wherein - I fear that there will be a consequence or Punishment, therefore, I don’t take this point to assist and support myself to not take how others perceive me personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to know or envision within my Professor’s body language how he/she is perceiving me at the moment, wherein - I completely and entirely lose myself within fantasizing and imagining how my Professor is seeing me, that I don’t actually see myself within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate with my Fear of being late to school to actually fearing my Professor thinking that I’m not dedicated to being here, therefore, I will completely lose and submerge myself within participating in ways to make the Professor see me differently and not give me a Consequence or Punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my fear of being late to school to Consequence and/or Punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must keep pulling off picture presentations for people to have certain ideas that I’m a dedicated student to avoid Consequence and/or Punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must keep pulling off picture presentations, wherein - I participate in fantasies and imagination for myself to NOT have to be almost late for class and/or actually late for class in the future, rather than actually getting off my ass and doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe its too hard to get off my ass and do something about myself almost being late for class and/or actually being late for class in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being late to class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the fear of being late to class to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe the fear of being late to class is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my fear of being late to class.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to self-realize that fear of being late to class is self-created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear of being late to class.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself that fear of being late to class is simple preprogrammed reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the fear of being late to class is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as life, one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fearing being late to class.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for allowing myself to experience the fear of being late to class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a huge deal of being late to class of such an insignificant moment of manifested consequences that I face to see/realize and understand that being late to class doesn’t mean that I have to be fearful of a consequence and/or punishment, but simply a point to stand in Equality and self-acceptance of being late to class, of/for my own process; to stop the reactions of fearing Punishment and Consequence, confronting it directly as myself - but instead, accepted and allowed myself to react through perceiving and deceiving myself that everyone is hurting me purposely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing here in every moment because of valuing and defining the fear that I experience towards Punishment and/or Consequence as real, wherein - I allow myself to want/need/desire to always be and become perfection to avoid Punishment and/or Punishment - but instead, accepted and allowed myself to react in reaction within perfection of the mind through perceiving and deceiving myself that everyone is hurting me purposely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate Punishment and/or Consequence towards the fear of Being Late to School.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate Punishment and/or Consequence towards perceiving and deceiving myself that everyone is hurting me purposely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a slave to perfection 24/7 to avoid the fear that I face towards Punishment and/or Consequence.

Here, I make a self-agreement within myself that when and as I see myself defining and valuing as being afraid of being late to class, I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back here. I breathe through the experience of being late to class and I direct it within myself firmly in the realization that no matter if I’m late to class or not, I allow myself to actually create a solution to not be late to class in the future, but if or when I’m ever late to class or almost late to class I remain HERE, in and as the delusional belief and acceptance of myself as separate to being late to class, I allow myself to accept and embrace the fear of being late to class in humbleness to see/realize and understand that I can change myself being late to class, if I actually want too.

I commit myself to accept and embrace myself being late to class or almost being late to class in humbleness to actually realize I can change myself being late if I actually want too.

I commit myself to be and become a slave to perfection 24/7 to avoid the experience of facing my fear of Consequence and/or Punishment.

I commit myself to take responsibility in myself being late to class or almost late to class but not become fearful of Punishment and/or Consequence for creating expectations for myself to be and become perfection of the mind - I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back HERE to immediately look at the point of fearing being late to class or almost late to class, and seeing/realizing and understanding what point I have not become one and equal too,  to make myself actually avoid facing myself within facing my fear of Punishment and/or Consequence.

Redefining the Word : Punishment

Dictionary Definition: The Teacher imposed punishment. This again brings me to the point of becoming fearful of Punishment and/or Consequence, by/through thinking that people are hurting me purposely, wherein - this is something I have self-created because of not actually looking at myself in self-honesty to be and become actual self-honesty.

Now, sounding the word to purify the word Punishment back to reality. 
PUN-ISH-MENT
Looking at the word PUN on the dictionary it means: A joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings. This is quite interesting because this is exactly what I’m doing. I’m purifying words to LIVE a definition that will stand the test of time. Now, ISH means: Having qualities or characteristics  of something. Looking at the word meant it means: Expressing  means or results of actions. Putting the entire definition together that I have attained, here it goes:
PUN-ISH-MENT- Having qualities or characteristics of making an result or action to joke exploiting  the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are word that sound alike but have different meanings. Now, from here of looking at the entire definition here within the word Punishment there is being exploited but having different possible meanings of a word but I’m actually imposing different meanings onto my Professors to become fearful of Consequence and/or Punishment, wherein - I’m not actually getting to the nitty gritty, by/through looking at the different meanings of reactions I’m facing to not actually face myself.
New Definition: The Infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense. This is a clear definition to stand by that has no polarity if there is no perception. Within an Equal Money System we will still be able to follow this definition for those that want to continue to abuse this world and reality.

10:57 PM

Day 8: Have you Breathed Today?



As of lately, I've been participating in overwhelmingness because of every part/aspect of my life seems to be, 'getting to me,' to keeping up with my assignments for DIP to getting everything done in the Agreement Course, and to keep my grades consistent in College, so, I can graduate early. A part of myself thinks and believes that I'm biting off more than I can chew, but I see/realize and understand that this is my backchat taking hold of me, within my own allowance to not actually be the Creator of my Physical Reality, to actually look at myself in essence, to actually look at what consists of my day that isn't what is best for me, thus, self-correcting my movement and to actually change.

I was keeping lists but I utilized everything as an actual chore and/or burden to not actually walk what I must do in my day and having absolutely NO excuses, but not being hard on myself at the same time. Walking this process in, 'gentle brutality,' by/through being absolutely self-honest within every action that I take, because every action that I take within actually self-awareness of breathing, I'm not missing anything, because everything is HERE; yet, in actuality seeing/realizing and understanding that in order to walk this process, I MUST be gentle with myself and not condemn myself for what I have allowed myself to be and become.

At the same time, I'm afraid of actually LIVING self-discipline, because I would then not be consistently be living within my bubble of consciousness to hide away everything that I can actually live up to be and become, being and becoming LIFE to actually breathe, to actually give myself the time to breathe and walk what I MUST walk.

What else is there to do?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and alowed myself to think and believe that I am unable to move myself effectively, because of believing/deceiving myself that I cannot be the Creator of my Life, by/through assuming that effectively making lists, then interating them into my physical reality is too difficult for myself and that I cannot be the Creator of my Life, unless someone apparently helps me outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to actually consider that if I'm not going to actually move myself to actually LIVE the lists that I create to actually create my world/reality, then I'm not in anyway taking self-responsibility, being the self-directive principle of myself within what is Best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbour the emotional reaction of/as, 'overwhelmingness,' wherein only I allow my backchat to be the Creator of my Life and not actually seeing/realizing and understanding that when I'm thinking and believing that my backchat is actual real, in-fact I'm not actually considering - CONsideration, to actually be and become the Creator of my Life as the self-directive principe, that I know I can be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by habouring the emotional reation of, 'overwhlemingness,' is actually, 'out of my hands,' when in-fact I am taking away my power to be and become the Creator of my Life and abdicating what is HERE in the physical as stability and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self-disciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself think and believe if sit around and complain about not being the Creator my Life, then someone could take pity on me and magically help me save my ass, wherein is no different then praying to some ASScender to come and help me, because apparently I'm, 'biting off more than I can chew.'

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to think and believe I'm, 'biting off more than I can chew,' wherein I'm not actually taking the time to actually walk the lists that I make within my physical reality, but focusing on complaining and hoping for someone to take pity on me and magically save my ass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire for someone to save my ass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire a ASScender to magically help me, while I cannot even allow myself to help myself.

I commit myself to integrate and actually do the lists effectively, but still remember to keep the list as realistic as possible for myself to actually walk and create NO backdoors for myself to fall into.

I commit myself to stop complainin and oping for someone to take pity on me an magically save my ass. The person we need on this Earth is another ASScender.

I commit myself to not screw with myself and think/believe that I'm not capable of changing my world and reality.

I commit myself to stop using/abusing overwhelmingness as a backdoor to justify myself to actually take self-responsibility and create NO backdoors for myself to fall into.

I commit myself to self-discipline.

I commit myself to myself integrating self-discipline witin myself - One and Equal to LIFE as Actual Breathing.

Have you breathed today?

9:26 PM

Day 7: A Prisoner as Freedom

With my Mother- there is blame/anger that I experience when she doesn't allow me to go anywhere in the afternoon because she's afraid that I'll get, 'hurt,' wherein I react through emotional reactions of blame/anger because of experiencing myself as, 'caged in.'

The Backchat that comes up in my mind when I ask my Mom to go somewhere during the afternoon when/as I want to go somewhere to experience myself as, 'free,' is:
"You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down"
"Why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Why don't you just mind your own business?"
Through/as applying the principle of "bringing this negative/bad experience/aspect" to myself, I have realized that when I'm reacting within blame/anger towards my Mother of experiencing myself as, 'caged in,' I'm in actuality not seeing/realizing/understanding that I worry equally where my Mom is when she isn't around and ask around the house for her when I don't see her presence. This primarily happens when I'm not actually getting a picture-presentation right in front of me to actually see/realize and understand that since I'm one and equal to my Mom, I mostly definitely don't need to separate myself from her by also reacting in worry when I don't see her around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my backchat blame my Mom for not experiencing myself as, 'free,' through her worrying about me, instead of realizing that I am equally reactive through worrying when I don't see her physical-presence around my world/reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind, become reactive through blame/anger of not being able to experience myself a certain way in relation to wanting/needing/desiring to, 'go somewhere,' in order to experience myself a certain way, instead not take self-responsibility for my own blame/anger as an self-reflection of what I'm allowing through not seeing/realizing/understanding that I'm equally reactive through, 'worry.'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inner conflict in my mind towards my Mom through accepting/allowing myself to blame my Mother in my backchat instead of communicating about myself and my Mother about being worried about something happening to each other and so coming to an actual solution that will stand instead of compounding more and more conflict within myself and those around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mind-project blame towards my Mom within my mind as my backchat instead of self-introspecting my internal-conflict, and me taking self-responsibility, self-accountability for what I'm experiencing within myself – but instead took it out on my Mother.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to self-realize how I created unnecessary turmoil for my Mother and myself for reacting in blame through self-sabotaging my chance to actually become the self-directive principle of my world/reality, not establishing communication with myself and my Mom wherein there won't have to be suppression/possession by/through not having an effective relationship of communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within blame towards my Mother worrying about something happening to me and it affecting me not being able to experience myself a certain way, when in actuality I'm wanting/needing/desiring to experience energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat, "You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down" to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the backchat, "You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down" is in actuality me talking back to myself, but I accepted and allowed myself to reflect it back at my Mom and not actually looking at my words because of not wanting/needing/desiring to assist myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/abuse the backchat further "You always tell me to do something fun, but when I actually want too, you shoot me down" by/through participating in victimization/blame towards my Mom, instead of self-directing myself and seeing myself in another person's worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Why can't you just leave me alone?" to come up and exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with my Mother through backchat in blame, towards my Mom not allowing myself to go somewhere in the afternoon because of her worrying about me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to self-realize for myself the backchat "Why can't you just leave me alone?" equally applies to myself suppressing/possessing myself within worry, and so I was equally talking to myself in my own backchat, but because of suppressing/possessing myself into worry I allowed myself to self-sabotage my relationship with myself and my Mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat "Why don't you just mind your own business?" to come up and exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with my Mother through my backchat in blame, instead of me investigating reactions within myself and find out why I'm experiencing myself the way I am, not self-realizing my own context of worry that I'm responsible for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the Backchat of "Why don't you just mind your own business in blame towards my Mother, instead of investigating the Backchat in realizing that the nature of blame is in fact me blaming someone for the exact thing that I am doing / have done but have not taken responsibility for.
I realize that both myself and my Mother- equally worry about each other in very similar ways, wherein I'm not actually allowing myself to see/realize/understand how I can see myself into my Mom as myself.
I realize that I didn't recognize this point existing within me - even though I become equally reactive through worrying about not seeing my Mother's picture-presentation around me to experience myself as, 'safe,' and, 'comfortable.'
I realize, that - within myself reacting to my Mom worrying about me through mind-projecting blame/anger toward her because not being able to experience myself as, 'free,' is actually playing the polarity game, wherein I'm experiencing myself as, 'enslaved,' or, 'stuck,' actually is not taking self-responsbibility in anyway, whatsoever, but justifying my own enslavement further through reacting, wherein I'm ranting about and trying to experience myself as, 'free.'
How I am assisting and supporting myself to stop the fear, is to: Firstly take self-responsibility when I'm seeing myself react through blame/anger when my Mom tells me that I cannot go anywhere during the afternoon because she's afraid something will happen to me, not accepting/allowing myself to react, but see/realize/understand my Mother's positioning through the Mother Matrix System.
Secondly: Discuss this point with my Mother about having a curfew when I'm allowed to go out or not go out, wherein I'm not allowing myself to become driven by blame/anger, but discuss points openly and rationally for ourselves to see the points clearly.
When and as I go into anger within myself towards my Mother, I immediate stop and breathe and I investigate and I investigate where this blame is coming up into myself not taking self-responsibility for me/my world within the very aspect/part I'm blaming for. Within this I stop the backchat of blame within myself towards my Mother and actually take self-responsibility for my world/reality for the very first time in this ONE life-time.